Hey My anger

i think i have an anger issue. really. dont even try to light a fire in me. i may not hurt anyone, but i have the urge to hurt myself, and i really dont want it to go any further

i do cry when i get angry, bury my face in a pillow and scream my lungs out. i scream at the top of my voice. cursing, i always scream. tbh ive never tried to talk with them, those who make me angry, because they make me angry, i mean why i have to talk with them when they dont even realize that im angry bc of them? so i choose not to. so, its all about myself. again. yeah. i really have an ugly personality. i admit it.

so today i was very very upset. as soon as i got home, i got into my room, slammed the door, jumped to bed, then i screamed. i cried. i cursed. i screamed. hit my head. i smoked. smoked and smoked. this is new for me tbh, smoking. ive actually promised myself not to smoking but yeah. i broke my own rules like a loser but who cares. no one gives a fuck abt me. it feels good tho. get lost people.

Hey Just wanna reminisce

i miss bigbang

i attended the concert on october 13th and gooooooooodd my first kpop concert and it was unbelievably tough man.....

um i still remember a bit abt the detail,

my friend tya queued since 7 am while i came at the venue around 8 am and dang the line had already long meh thank god tya has came earlier so she could save a spot for me, we were alone until she met her friends and introduced me to her friends, so we were queuing together

at midday ppl started act like an asshole, cutting in line like a boss, they even ask for a back-up, got bodyguard by their side, even their parents got into argument bc we (me and the other ppl who were in the line first) shouted at them not to cutting. 

around  4 pm, well shit just got real, we were tired, sunburnt, everyone pushed the crowd and god there were 2 korean girls came from no where standing next to me, hell how come they get into this crowd? srsly theyre ninjas. when the crew gave an announcement and told us to move back, the crowd went chaos bc we expect more, those 2 korean girls in english saying, ‘what are they talking about’ i was being kind hehe i say to them ‘back off’ she said ‘what?’ ‘ back, off.’

‘why’ she asked, i replied ‘they say the gate open at six, so back off’

and suddenly the other one asked me about the ticket, if she could pass the entrance with their ticket. there were no stamp, so i said ‘u have to verified ur tickets first, right there /i point the spot/’ but she was smiling awkwardly asked me for a help, ‘umm can u accompany me’ the other one said ‘yes, we've never been in indonesia’ duh like i care haha i answered ‘sorry, i cant.’ i cringed at them, then she said ‘please, she can save this spot for you’ i was like are u effin kidding me? hell nooooooooo. god it was very veryy crowded like there's no gap between us and i think i'd kill to keep current spot lol jk ;p so i just said to them ‘its right there you can ask the security for a help’ by that she finally gave up on me kekeke and she went by herself to get her tickets verified while her friend or maybe her sister waiting in the crowd.

aaaaaaaand not long after that the crew finally let us to get into the building oh praise the lord

i cant even think, i mean how could i would spend my time queuing for almost 12 hours gees srsly it happened just for bigbang, only for bigbang. yeah fuckya bigbang

but... really... i don’t mind at all bc theyre worth watching, worth waiting, and worth the money man. 

here are some vids i had taken with my blackberry, the quality is crap sorry for that

seeing bigbang live was something surreal experience for me, i just cant...

top is freaking handsome, taeyang was so hyper, he was so kind, gd is beautiful, his gesture.... i cant... daesung is fine, seungri.... he's a casanova lol

i miss them so bad i hope to see them again very soon :(

Hey Eyheyyyyyyyy

hey. soooo its about life again yea my life's been in a bad term and ive been suffered from depression huh but i had settled my problem. today. i finally have the guts to spill it all out to my dad and wow i really didnt expect that, i mean i thought i would totally get scolded but again wow i did not. so yea thanks dad for your understanding

/sigh/ still i dont know how am i supposed to feel...............

Hey Bye Creed

im pretty upset rn bc i cant make it to watch creed's gig bc im under 21 seriously like SERIOUSLY
i know the concert is to celebrate Guiness' Arthur's day which is sponsored by guiness itself, ya u know guiness is one of the famous beer brand but god i'll turn 20 by this november anyway it aint a big deal lah! and its not like imma party and drunk and stuff i just SIMPLY wanna watch creed oh god look at me now
end up in my room, hopeless and maybe imma spend the rest of my satnite watching romeo + juliet
yea /sobs/

Hey F

I really really really want to go from my current live
Fed up with every role that i have to take each day.
I cant any longer refrain my resentment. My tears.

It feels like want to go somewhere, where nobody knows me before. And start a new life. Totally new, gotta find new way to livin my life without any mask, without any pressure.
They have no idea what's inside me
Something destructive. Something
Something
Something
Something..
Ive always thought that im strong enough
But actually im weak. How wrecked i am inside. Full of lies. Full of sorrow

U think im ok?
NO.

U think im a normal?
heres a BIG F CAPITAL FOR U

Dont. You. Dare. Think. That. Im. A. Normal.
DONT EVER.

You dont feel what i feel
You dont want what i want
You dont think what i think
So. Please. Stop it.

You didnt catch what i need.
Im sick
Just say it mentally ill for dramatic issue

i'll never ever say this to you.
Never.
Bcos i love u too fucking much
I know this will hurt u

But please catch me right..
Im tired pretending like everything's alright.
Tired d.
Im tired restrain all these feelings without tellin anybody

When i finally end up on the bed, crying alone.
Scream in the pillow.
Convince myself: its okay, after this phase, you'll just be fine and smile again.





Fuck. Never mind this.

Hey i love you john