Hey young and not so beautiful

have you ever disgusted by your own thoughts about yourself? how you act like a phony in front of the people and fake it through the day.
dont you just feel disgusted of yourself?
at one point everything seems wrong. every desicion youve made, every step youve taken, every word youve spoken, and you couldnt do anything about it. and you stopped.
i have enough with people. i said that like a thousand times but i keep giving myself down with people around me. ive been running from them but then i found myself stays still. at the same spot again. drowning myself again.
i really dont understand how life can be so tough for me? why? why just can i learn? maybe ive said this, i dont know though. that i was born jinxed? that i am naturally negative? i mean i could appear like super sassy, bubbly funny and all but then what? i dont know myself anymore. i dont know anything. i dont like myself i dont like people. you see im drowning in bad thoughts again i think i should stop writing. okay never mind. really.
good night

Hey Dream

you appeared again in my dream. quick and quiet. i dont know if my consciousness still wants you, but if its so why i can be happy at least in my dream? why my consciousness wont let me? i wish i could do a lucid dream so i can have you at least in my fantasy.
i woke up in realization i can never have you. ive had enough of it. im tired.

Hey Long time no posting!

hii there. its been a while is it? im just fine really. god its 2014!! time does fly really realllyyyy fast and im kind of um.. worried. i mean im getting old you know! ugh! i'll turn 22 this year and i dont like it :(

hmm okay.. a lot of things has happened to me, i finally got into college (again) lol i hope i can make it through to the end this time, yep yep /fingercrossed/ but i have to admit the college sucks tbh, esp the people......... like really.. theyre kind of.. hm.. a bunch of douches. well maybe its just me, i mean you know i dont like socializing and i hate people in general haha. but i adapted to some people somehow. 

and oh oh! i got a big news HAHAHAHA I FINALLY TATTED MY ARM WOOHOOO and on my finger too ahahhahaha such a daredevil i am, right?? my friend said so ahaha so proud of myself hehe bc i can finally did what ive been wanted for so long~ 

here it is, its called chi-rho. this symbol basically means "christ" im such a good catholic hehe i got this symbol tatted on my right arm, but without that circle around the symbol.

and my second tattoo on my middle finger is my dad's name. "matheus" is dad's baptismal name.

so getting tattoo was exciting to me tbh hehe i aint rly afraid of the pain bc well im not afraid of needles so it was okay to me. BUT yes it did hurt during the process maaaannnn and the recovery thoo i takes weeks, even months if u get bigger tattoo. its been more than 2 weeks since i tatted my arm and it havent fully recovered yet ugh

by the way.. my dad haha im actually pretty worried abt him hehe i didnt told him i got myself tattoos. i believe he saw my tattoos already i mean come on we see each other everyday. its impossible he doesnt notice my arm. butttttt up until now, he didnt even say anything abt it im- asdfhjjkl;lksdhk hey dad im not gonna be disowned right.....? haha srsly thooo this is a bit frustrating me tbh. what kind of game is he playing? we just play fool game i guess lol

but in the end of the day my dad understands me. thats all i can assure. 

ugh its 22.59. im supposed to finish my assignments actually, but ended up blogging this shit lol well im just in the mood. ehehe so bye! see u when i see u!

Hey My anger

i think i have an anger issue. really. dont even try to light a fire in me. i may not hurt anyone, but i have the urge to hurt myself, and i really dont want it to go any further

i do cry when i get angry, bury my face in a pillow and scream my lungs out. i scream at the top of my voice. cursing, i always scream. tbh ive never tried to talk with them, those who make me angry, because they make me angry, i mean why i have to talk with them when they dont even realize that im angry bc of them? so i choose not to. so, its all about myself. again. yeah. i really have an ugly personality. i admit it.

so today i was very very upset. as soon as i got home, i got into my room, slammed the door, jumped to bed, then i screamed. i cried. i cursed. i screamed. hit my head. i smoked. smoked and smoked. this is new for me tbh, smoking. ive actually promised myself not to smoking but yeah. i broke my own rules like a loser but who cares. no one gives a fuck abt me. it feels good tho. get lost people.

Hey Just wanna reminisce

i miss bigbang

i attended the concert on october 13th and gooooooooodd my first kpop concert and it was unbelievably tough man.....

um i still remember a bit abt the detail,

my friend tya queued since 7 am while i came at the venue around 8 am and dang the line had already long meh thank god tya has came earlier so she could save a spot for me, we were alone until she met her friends and introduced me to her friends, so we were queuing together

at midday ppl started act like an asshole, cutting in line like a boss, they even ask for a back-up, got bodyguard by their side, even their parents got into argument bc we (me and the other ppl who were in the line first) shouted at them not to cutting. 

around  4 pm, well shit just got real, we were tired, sunburnt, everyone pushed the crowd and god there were 2 korean girls came from no where standing next to me, hell how come they get into this crowd? srsly theyre ninjas. when the crew gave an announcement and told us to move back, the crowd went chaos bc we expect more, those 2 korean girls in english saying, ‘what are they talking about’ i was being kind hehe i say to them ‘back off’ she said ‘what?’ ‘ back, off.’

‘why’ she asked, i replied ‘they say the gate open at six, so back off’

and suddenly the other one asked me about the ticket, if she could pass the entrance with their ticket. there were no stamp, so i said ‘u have to verified ur tickets first, right there /i point the spot/’ but she was smiling awkwardly asked me for a help, ‘umm can u accompany me’ the other one said ‘yes, we've never been in indonesia’ duh like i care haha i answered ‘sorry, i cant.’ i cringed at them, then she said ‘please, she can save this spot for you’ i was like are u effin kidding me? hell nooooooooo. god it was very veryy crowded like there's no gap between us and i think i'd kill to keep current spot lol jk ;p so i just said to them ‘its right there you can ask the security for a help’ by that she finally gave up on me kekeke and she went by herself to get her tickets verified while her friend or maybe her sister waiting in the crowd.

aaaaaaaand not long after that the crew finally let us to get into the building oh praise the lord

i cant even think, i mean how could i would spend my time queuing for almost 12 hours gees srsly it happened just for bigbang, only for bigbang. yeah fuckya bigbang

but... really... i don’t mind at all bc theyre worth watching, worth waiting, and worth the money man. 

here are some vids i had taken with my blackberry, the quality is crap sorry for that

seeing bigbang live was something surreal experience for me, i just cant...

top is freaking handsome, taeyang was so hyper, he was so kind, gd is beautiful, his gesture.... i cant... daesung is fine, seungri.... he's a casanova lol

i miss them so bad i hope to see them again very soon :(

Hey Eyheyyyyyyyy

hey. soooo its about life again yea my life's been in a bad term and ive been suffered from depression huh but i had settled my problem. today. i finally have the guts to spill it all out to my dad and wow i really didnt expect that, i mean i thought i would totally get scolded but again wow i did not. so yea thanks dad for your understanding

/sigh/ still i dont know how am i supposed to feel...............

Hey Bye Creed

im pretty upset rn bc i cant make it to watch creed's gig bc im under 21 seriously like SERIOUSLY
i know the concert is to celebrate Guiness' Arthur's day which is sponsored by guiness itself, ya u know guiness is one of the famous beer brand but god i'll turn 20 by this november anyway it aint a big deal lah! and its not like imma party and drunk and stuff i just SIMPLY wanna watch creed oh god look at me now
end up in my room, hopeless and maybe imma spend the rest of my satnite watching romeo + juliet
yea /sobs/

Hey F

I really really really want to go from my current live
Fed up with every role that i have to take each day.
I cant any longer refrain my resentment. My tears.

It feels like want to go somewhere, where nobody knows me before. And start a new life. Totally new, gotta find new way to livin my life without any mask, without any pressure.
They have no idea what's inside me
Something destructive. Something
Something
Something
Something..
Ive always thought that im strong enough
But actually im weak. How wrecked i am inside. Full of lies. Full of sorrow

U think im ok?
NO.

U think im a normal?
heres a BIG F CAPITAL FOR U

Dont. You. Dare. Think. That. Im. A. Normal.
DONT EVER.

You dont feel what i feel
You dont want what i want
You dont think what i think
So. Please. Stop it.

You didnt catch what i need.
Im sick
Just say it mentally ill for dramatic issue

i'll never ever say this to you.
Never.
Bcos i love u too fucking much
I know this will hurt u

But please catch me right..
Im tired pretending like everything's alright.
Tired d.
Im tired restrain all these feelings without tellin anybody

When i finally end up on the bed, crying alone.
Scream in the pillow.
Convince myself: its okay, after this phase, you'll just be fine and smile again.





Fuck. Never mind this.

Hey i love you john

Hey GD

sup guisee its been a while since the last time i posted somethin here uh
i aint into kpop but i swear big bang is a bunch of tease esp, gd and seungri. its all abt big bang lately, that has changed my life upside down hah i spazz a lot. i mean how can i not fall for those pretty boys dancing singing and ehm swagging? if ure not, one conclusion. u aint normal. ha ha
and my ultimate bias the one and only g-dragon! the leader, swagger, musical genius, fashionista, dork, cutee and not to mention umm snob. ha ha
he's just too cool to be hated. once u know him, u just cant hate him

"My name is G G G G baby baby. GD GD baby baby" 

so, btw guisee have u got ur crayON? lol k, here it is
swag check!

Hey Flat

flat, its just feel so flat. i always drown in deep thoughts about my life. and always end up with conclusion i hate this, i hate that, and all. cursing why i have to blablablabla, wishing i was blablabla. and whining about being tired of this life. well i got to tell this. im not an optimist person.

and its just flat. my life.

think i need to start a fire, get into trouble, mess up with friends, yell at people. haha then i would be funny right? and i aint gonna whining about how boring my life is.

but sadly, its not like that. not that way. 

im just oh god, i really hate being here. in this town. im stuck here so it feels flat all the way i through. its not i hate the town, well its lil bit stressfull living in here but. i just cant be happy here.

lets just sleep and forget abt this. good night.

Hey 2012

Hello. Its 2012 already. Ive been busy. Never been this busy actually haha. Im alright. Its a lil bit embarrassing reading my last post. Ha ha
Need to admit everything wasnt easy, but i got it through somehow. Thank god im still alive hahaha..
Lets hope this gonna be a happy year. Ive got no resolution for this year. Ive never made any resolutions actually hehe i just wanted too many things, and i just know i couldnt fulfill it. So just give the best and let it flow. Lord bless our days. I hope. You know what i hope.

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Hey Tyro

:"""( dont know where to start. I was getting a job today. This is my very first time. I was nervous, of course. I was afraid of the seniors, absolutely. And the most of all i was i am worrying about myself.
Im a newbie, i got no experience.
A stranger.. I work in marketing and of course it was bcos of my daddys intervention.
Well im a home-body, i have no idea how marketing stuff runs. And the boss was just left me in the marketing room, with 4 strangers and they were all busy talkin in the phone, confirming those crazy orders, which they named it in a aphabetical-number code and i was i like... Jesus... Help me, what am i suppose to do here... Like srsly how could i remember thoseeeee objects, with they specification, its like different color: different code, why dont they just say whats the color instead of giving the code. I really wanna cry. Cry cry.. Im crying. I really doubt myself. I got a feeling i cant do this..
:""( :""( im totally a tyro :((
Heres another thing that makes wanna cry, my dad seems hold a high expectation on me.......
:___C
What can i do?
Im done im done...
Please pray the best for me. I know this sounds such a loser. I dont mind. Call me loser or whatever u want...

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Hey 19

Im 19 today. Happy birthday to me :-)

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Hey November

Tuesday, November 1 :-)

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Hey Him. Yes, you

It was a long time ago. Aaaah.. I dont usually talk abt this..
All i wanna say is just i found myself has fallen too far. I get stuck in one person. My mind wont let him go. My heart wont let that feeling go.

Its been years.. Whether to blame myself or you, i know not.

I love every single part of him. He is just too beautiful.

Its been years. Whether to say its just a crush or real love, i know not.
He has gotten his on place in mine, a long long time ago.

Irreplaceable

A hundred dreams of you
A thousand thoughts of you

I always thought i could let go of him. But i always wrong
I find myself fall again
Missing him so badly again
And i just cant fight this feeling

My thoughts leashed to you
My heart chained to you

Sometimes i think i might have the key.. But i dont know..
You will never ever know..



Never mind that..

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Hey Creep

Forward yesterday
Makes me wanna stay
What they said was real
Makes me wanna steal
Livin' under house
Guess I'm livin', I'm a mouse
All's I gots is time
Got no meaning, just a rhyme
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause I like to steal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal, I like to steal
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to be, half
the man I used to be
Feelin' uninspired
Think I'll start a fire
Everybody run
Bobby's got a gun
Think you're kinda neat
Then she tells me I'm a creep
Friends don't mean a thing
Guess I'll leave it up to me
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
Take time with a wounded hand
Guess I like to steal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal, I like to steal
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be, half the
man I used to be
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
Take time with a wounded hand
Guess I like to steal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal, I like to steal
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be, half the
man I used to be,
Half the man I used to be


Creep
Stone temple pilots, Core


In love w/ grunge music


Stupid for those who thought this was nirvana's. Weilland got different voice w/ Cobain.
And weilland sings in defferent style.
Ok in this song he might sound like cobain
But please. Its stone temple pilots'.
Not nirvana's

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Hey F

Fuck off
Im numb

Hey Mirror

I do refrain from puching the mirror evrytime i see a mirror

I. Do.

I hate to see my reflection in the mirror
I hate myself actually

Please

help me to stay positive



I just think i need a psychologist





Never mind that

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Hey Happy

Im tired

Really tired.

I dont want anything




Just wanna be happy.
Please make me