Hey young and not so beautiful

have you ever disgusted by your own thoughts about yourself? how you act like a phony in front of the people and fake it through the day.
dont you just feel disgusted of yourself?
at one point everything seems wrong. every desicion youve made, every step youve taken, every word youve spoken, and you couldnt do anything about it. and you stopped.
i have enough with people. i said that like a thousand times but i keep giving myself down with people around me. ive been running from them but then i found myself stays still. at the same spot again. drowning myself again.
i really dont understand how life can be so tough for me? why? why just can i learn? maybe ive said this, i dont know though. that i was born jinxed? that i am naturally negative? i mean i could appear like super sassy, bubbly funny and all but then what? i dont know myself anymore. i dont know anything. i dont like myself i dont like people. you see im drowning in bad thoughts again i think i should stop writing. okay never mind. really.
good night

Hey Dream

you appeared again in my dream. quick and quiet. i dont know if my consciousness still wants you, but if its so why i can be happy at least in my dream? why my consciousness wont let me? i wish i could do a lucid dream so i can have you at least in my fantasy.
i woke up in realization i can never have you. ive had enough of it. im tired.

Hey Long time no posting!

hii there. its been a while is it? im just fine really. god its 2014!! time does fly really realllyyyy fast and im kind of um.. worried. i mean im getting old you know! ugh! i'll turn 22 this year and i dont like it :(

hmm okay.. a lot of things has happened to me, i finally got into college (again) lol i hope i can make it through to the end this time, yep yep /fingercrossed/ but i have to admit the college sucks tbh, esp the people......... like really.. theyre kind of.. hm.. a bunch of douches. well maybe its just me, i mean you know i dont like socializing and i hate people in general haha. but i adapted to some people somehow. 

and oh oh! i got a big news HAHAHAHA I FINALLY TATTED MY ARM WOOHOOO and on my finger too ahahhahaha such a daredevil i am, right?? my friend said so ahaha so proud of myself hehe bc i can finally did what ive been wanted for so long~ 

here it is, its called chi-rho. this symbol basically means "christ" im such a good catholic hehe i got this symbol tatted on my right arm, but without that circle around the symbol.

and my second tattoo on my middle finger is my dad's name. "matheus" is dad's baptismal name.

so getting tattoo was exciting to me tbh hehe i aint rly afraid of the pain bc well im not afraid of needles so it was okay to me. BUT yes it did hurt during the process maaaannnn and the recovery thoo i takes weeks, even months if u get bigger tattoo. its been more than 2 weeks since i tatted my arm and it havent fully recovered yet ugh

by the way.. my dad haha im actually pretty worried abt him hehe i didnt told him i got myself tattoos. i believe he saw my tattoos already i mean come on we see each other everyday. its impossible he doesnt notice my arm. butttttt up until now, he didnt even say anything abt it im- asdfhjjkl;lksdhk hey dad im not gonna be disowned right.....? haha srsly thooo this is a bit frustrating me tbh. what kind of game is he playing? we just play fool game i guess lol

but in the end of the day my dad understands me. thats all i can assure. 

ugh its 22.59. im supposed to finish my assignments actually, but ended up blogging this shit lol well im just in the mood. ehehe so bye! see u when i see u!

Hey what am i gonna do if we lose that fire???

shut up i love bee gees so much

Hey My anger

i think i have an anger issue. really. dont even try to light a fire in me. i may not hurt anyone, but i have the urge to hurt myself, and i really dont want it to go any further

i do cry when i get angry, bury my face in a pillow and scream my lungs out. i scream at the top of my voice. cursing, i always scream. tbh ive never tried to talk with them, those who make me angry, because they make me angry, i mean why i have to talk with them when they dont even realize that im angry bc of them? so i choose not to. so, its all about myself. again. yeah. i really have an ugly personality. i admit it.

so today i was very very upset. as soon as i got home, i got into my room, slammed the door, jumped to bed, then i screamed. i cried. i cursed. i screamed. hit my head. i smoked. smoked and smoked. this is new for me tbh, smoking. ive actually promised myself not to smoking but yeah. i broke my own rules like a loser but who cares. no one gives a fuck abt me. it feels good tho. get lost people.

Hey Just wanna reminisce

i miss bigbang

i attended the concert on october 13th and gooooooooodd my first kpop concert and it was unbelievably tough man.....

um i still remember a bit abt the detail,

my friend tya queued since 7 am while i came at the venue around 8 am and dang the line had already long meh thank god tya has came earlier so she could save a spot for me, we were alone until she met her friends and introduced me to her friends, so we were queuing together

at midday ppl started act like an asshole, cutting in line like a boss, they even ask for a back-up, got bodyguard by their side, even their parents got into argument bc we (me and the other ppl who were in the line first) shouted at them not to cutting. 

around  4 pm, well shit just got real, we were tired, sunburnt, everyone pushed the crowd and god there were 2 korean girls came from no where standing next to me, hell how come they get into this crowd? srsly theyre ninjas. when the crew gave an announcement and told us to move back, the crowd went chaos bc we expect more, those 2 korean girls in english saying, ‘what are they talking about’ i was being kind hehe i say to them ‘back off’ she said ‘what?’ ‘ back, off.’

‘why’ she asked, i replied ‘they say the gate open at six, so back off’

and suddenly the other one asked me about the ticket, if she could pass the entrance with their ticket. there were no stamp, so i said ‘u have to verified ur tickets first, right there /i point the spot/’ but she was smiling awkwardly asked me for a help, ‘umm can u accompany me’ the other one said ‘yes, we've never been in indonesia’ duh like i care haha i answered ‘sorry, i cant.’ i cringed at them, then she said ‘please, she can save this spot for you’ i was like are u effin kidding me? hell nooooooooo. god it was very veryy crowded like there's no gap between us and i think i'd kill to keep current spot lol jk ;p so i just said to them ‘its right there you can ask the security for a help’ by that she finally gave up on me kekeke and she went by herself to get her tickets verified while her friend or maybe her sister waiting in the crowd.

aaaaaaaand not long after that the crew finally let us to get into the building oh praise the lord

i cant even think, i mean how could i would spend my time queuing for almost 12 hours gees srsly it happened just for bigbang, only for bigbang. yeah fuckya bigbang

but... really... i don’t mind at all bc theyre worth watching, worth waiting, and worth the money man. 

here are some vids i had taken with my blackberry, the quality is crap sorry for that

seeing bigbang live was something surreal experience for me, i just cant...

top is freaking handsome, taeyang was so hyper, he was so kind, gd is beautiful, his gesture.... i cant... daesung is fine, seungri.... he's a casanova lol

i miss them so bad i hope to see them again very soon :(