Hey young and not so beautiful

have you ever disgusted by your own thoughts about yourself? how you act like a phony in front of the people and fake it through the day.
dont you just feel disgusted of yourself?
at one point everything seems wrong. every desicion youve made, every step youve taken, every word youve spoken, and you couldnt do anything about it. and you stopped.
i have enough with people. i said that like a thousand times but i keep giving myself down with people around me. ive been running from them but then i found myself stays still. at the same spot again. drowning myself again.
i really dont understand how life can be so tough for me? why? why just can i learn? maybe ive said this, i dont know though. that i was born jinxed? that i am naturally negative? i mean i could appear like super sassy, bubbly funny and all but then what? i dont know myself anymore. i dont know anything. i dont like myself i dont like people. you see im drowning in bad thoughts again i think i should stop writing. okay never mind. really.
good night